Awhile back in my healing journey I had an experience that I didn’t understand, so I waited to write about it until I had a little more understanding. After significant healing I have been eager to share my new freedom from bondages with others, but felt an inner caution to wait and rest in the newness. As I waited on the Lord I began to plead for Him to go deep into my core. I wanted a more intimate relationship with Him and I recognized that no matter how extensive this healing was, I was still a fallen creature and would always need to walk intimately with my Abba. Day by day I continued to ask Him for a deeper reach into my core. Well, He answered!
One night in the wee hours He came quietly but I knew immediately this visit was different. He came at a new level of love, touching a place in me that I didn’t even know existed. I had been experiencing testing of my vows to Jesus and have struggled to keep His face in my sight. O, I would delight to advance to another level.
I enjoyed His presence immensely. In the morning I rose and did the necessary things to start my day. Then I began to sing praises to the King of kings and Lord of lords. I sprawled on the sofa to commune with Abba and was immediately transported into the Father’s holy Presence. As He bent over me with fiery passion it seemed the veil over His face slipped a little and I was afraid of His fiery passion so I asked the Holy Spirit to come and hold my hand while I submitted to my Lord’s holy fire. I needed His help to answer the Father with the passion of my own heart, to give God what He wanted of me. And we, together, went deep. I responded as much as I could. There are no words to describe this encounter. But now I understand why no one can see God’s face and live!
During my time in God’s lap I saw gold twinkles crowded around us. Many angels. Watching. Celebrating. But I closed my eyes to shut them out, to focus on God’s face.
I was in and out of consciousness over the next several hours. When His power and glory lifted I felt like a new creation. Newly born again. I sang. And laughed. This euphoria lasted for days but hasn’t abated completely. So this new level is sustainable and not just an “experience”.
I am being recreated as God originally intended me to be: a gift to my parents from Him. They refused the gift for their various separate reasons, destroying and defiling the gift. Now – God as the soverign Creator – is recreating me from the inside out. No wonder the angels were crowded around. No wonder the King of kings was so passionate. I have received new life in Him. I am a new creation. Holy Spirit, help me to live passionately, unswerving in my commitment to my Lord of lords. You are worthy, O Lord, to be praised and worshipped.
As has been typical for this process, I discovered later that some emotional healing ministers believe there is a negative core identity that needs to be converted. This experience radically changed me more than I would have expected. My intimacy with Abba, my sweet Savior, and precious constant Companion Holy Spirit deepened and my access to Them, already constant, has become even more intense. How can I explain the joy and peace?
Some nights I am awakened by the Holy Spirit loving me. All day He stays close and is extremely intense. His love is at times so overwhelming that tears stream down my face unbidden. To think that not too long ago I thought He was reticent! Like my Bridegroom, He also knows how to laugh. I am challenged by His intimacy to respond in kind as much as I know how.
The triune Godhead is amazing and personable in ways I would never have imagined. They are personalities just like we are – we are made after Their image. A sacred, precious discovery. I am learning to value my body because They indwell me. My whole personality is changing because of Their intensely passionate Love.
Another night. The Holy Spirit came very near. I stood with my arms around my Bridegroom’s neck and His arms around my back in our intimate dance posture, my heart pressed against His heart. Around 3 am He began to pour Himself into my heart which continued till around 5:30 am when I usually start my day. Once I tried to look at His face but couldn’t for His intensely sacred, fiery passion. He wants me to rest in His love but I don’t know how. Quiet. That is so against my nature and I equate rest with boredom.
Now I am learning to let God love me. No works. No performance. No begging or teasing. Just submission. And Jesus is such a lavish, passionate Lover. Learning to submit and receive is a sweet lesson. I was having some health issues and tests came back within normal ranges. I was so happy but at a loss to know how to celebrate. Jesus snatched me up and took me in a mad-dash waltz around the Throne Room, then we collapsed breathlessly, laughing together like sillies.