One painful memory stands out. I met a student from a neighboring school while teaching at a provincial university in China. He was my shadow but he didn’t want to attend English language functions when I invited him. Later this student met a couple of American “Christian” men and told them I tried to seduce him. I was horrified, but no amount of explaining would satisfy the American men. They believed that women were meant to cook their husbands’ meals and have their babies!!! Single women had little value!!! I know this because one of the American men took pity on me and wrote me a long letter explaining where I had gone wrong.
After this incident I retreated into myself. I called my female self The Prostitute and put my femininity in prison. Several years later as I was journeying through healing of alternate personalities, Jesus pointed out that The Guardian, as part of my will, was hindering His work in me, so I asked Him to have a chat with The Guardian. One morning Jesus came to meet The Guardian and explained to him that He, Jesus, could do a better job of protecting me and reminded The Guardian of incidents when I had needed deliverance and the Holy Spirit stepped in to send the attacking spirits packing. The Guardian not only agreed but he accepted emotional healing of gender confusion. Jesus was so pleased because the formerly cruel male guardian was willing to learn how to be submitted to Him as the woman she was created to be.
After The Guardian accepted Jesus, Jesus asked me to let The Prostitute out of prison. I sure didn’t want to – she was dangerous – but I let her out for a breath of fresh air and she propositioned Jesus! So I whisked her back into her marble cell. When I asked Jesus if He was offended He said no. That puzzled me. Why would He not be offended?
With Jesus acting as my protector, I relented and again let The Prostitute out of prison. She was about the size of a Barbie doll from being imprisoned for so many years. He asked me to pray for her to grow and experience healing and restoration. And sure enough, as I prayed she grew right before my eyes. When she stepped out of the cell she wore a snazzy red dress with matching spike heels. When she reached full size, she walked up the incline to Jesus who met her with His arms open. They embraced and Jesus put His head down close to her ear where He could speak to her privately. As I stood back and watched, her red dress changed slowly to white and she kicked off her red heels . I was jealous of their intimacy.
I still didn’t understand who this snazzy prostitute was, but Jesus knew her and liked her a lot, so I held my peace. During this period of time the Praying Medic published a letter a woman had written about her gender identity and my eyes were opened. https://prayingmedic.com/category/gender-confusion/
The Prostitute was me – my gender identity. Oh my goodness! I didn’t know I had a gender problem. It has taken me a year to work through this incredibly beautiful healing. Jesus’ love for me as He created me to be is so awesome that I wonder at it every day. This experience has given me compassion for those who don’t realize they have a problem. Jesus is the Creator of all things and He knows us better than we know ourselves. His love for us is sweet and gentle. His whispers are soft and for our ears only. His patience, mercy and grace are inexhaustible. It has taken me a long time to be willing to share this healing because it is so intimate, but I felt that He would be pleased for me to share this much.
It’s amazing how tender little children are and how easily they can be destroyed. My parents’ words and nonverbal behavior came from their own identity problems but their influence was deeply destructive. My soul and spirit were crushed to powder, but the One who created me was more than able to restore and make me whole again. He is my awesome Lord and Master.