Loneliness, self-hatred, self-contempt, self-abandonment, self-betrayal….
Healing and integration of multiple alternate personalities has been complete in me for about a year and I have been establishing a foundation for the new, integrated personality I am enjoying. While I am stronger, yet there are times when I struggle with uncertainty about who I am. Not as a multiple but simply as a person. I second guess myself and have difficulty in making decisions. After making the decision I still feel uncertain about what I decided. If I made what appeared to be a wrong choice I would be so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment in myself that my focus on my Beloved Lord was interrupted for days.
By chance (Is there such a thing?) I came upon information about inner vows and bitter root judgments that turned a light on for me. For some reason I associated inner vows and bitter root judgments with how I saw other people but didn’t apply that criticism to myself. So I was castigating myself bitterly. That was long ago but I had never renounced those inner vows so they were still at work.
Over-the-top anger, guilt, anxiety can be a warning flag. Responses that are too strong for a given situation are indications that inner vows may be at work.
I can remember confiding in my grandmother something that I asked her not to share. But she promptly announced my secret to the rest of the family and I was chagrined. I promised myself that I wouldn’t share secrets with anyone ever again. I kept the vow but experienced the loneliness of alienation.
To break those vows is easy enough. Simply confess your self-hatred to Jesus and repent for regarding yourself as less than worthy. Jesus died not only for all people, He died just for you. And His precious Blood reaches deeper than the stain of sin has gone. Break the cords that bind you to the vows and ask Jesus to set you free and cauterize the ends so they don’t bleed out.
I was surprised at the new freedom I gained in relationship with my sweet Holy Spirit – a new confidence in Him, a more intense focus on His love and acceptance of me. He was there all the time but I couldn’t receive His love because of my attitude of self-condemnation.
Romans 8:1-2 Bible (AMP) Therefore there is now no condemnation [no guilty verdict, no punishment] for those who are in Christ Jesus [who believe in Him as personal Lord and Savior]. 2 For the law of the Spirit of life [which is] in Christ Jesus [the law of our new being] has set you free from the law of sin and of death.