Loving the Unloved

When I was in college I met a friend who was friendly and touchy-feely. One day as we were talking she put her hand on my hand and I came unglued. The only touch I had ever experienced in my life that I could remember was violent, so this person’s touch was off the grid for me. She wanted to know why I was crying but I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t put words to the experience.

I grew up on the farm. My siblings and I enjoyed the freedom to climb the trees or glide across the haymow on the hay pulley. Most farms had a silo where corn stalks with some grain was processed and stored as winter feed for the cattle. The silo was a round, very tall enclosure with no windows and only one door at the bottom. The top was somewhat open to allow heat from the compressed silage to rise so it wouldn’t catch fire.

When my friend put her hand on mine, in my mind’s eye I could see an earthquake shaking the silo and cracks forming in the walls, weakening the structure.

That silo was my heart, shut off from any demonstration of love. I was terrified of love. It felt like the violation of my person.

Recently I have been getting acquainted with a retired single lady who raises dogs for sale as a way of supporting herself. I don’t care for small dogs but when one of her females had puppies I inquired in an email about how they were getting along. To my surprise she replied that they were her business. I began to pray and ask the Holy Spirit how I might bring peace to our relationship.

The silo memory came to me and that brought understanding. It is one thing to love and care about a friend. But to care about the things they care about is a demonstration of love. I cared about her welfare and the dogs were her source of support as well as a source of affection in her aloneness. Apparently I violated the boundary leading into her heart just as that friend violated my inner boundary long ago.

Love can also mean a loss of freedom when a person is obligated to perform for a reward. That brings the same kind of terror. Several years ago I met a homeless woman and invited her to stay in my spare bedroom. I left her to fill her time as she wished because homeless people are often rolling stones and prefer that life style. However, when my friends found out about my guest, they brought groceries and other things they thought she needed or would like. That meant obligation was close behind and she couldn’t deal with the bondage, so she slipped away without being seen.

Love is a very precious thing that must be handled with sensitivity and openhandedness, leaving the recipient free to accept or not. Exploitation should never be a motive for love. The reward for love is watching another person bud and slowly blossom while learning to trust. Isn’t that what Jesus does? He loves unconditionally, leaving the response to us. When we accept His love and learn to trust Him, the relationship grows as we are filled with awe of kindness we never dreamed existed.

Encounter with My Bridegroom

I have been having moving encounters with my Bridegroom. They are intensely intimate and I am reduced to streaming tears. What does my Beloved have in mind? We stand before each other totally vulnerable with not so much as a silk scarf between us. We have no boundaries – either of us. If I come into His presence with anything on my mind other than Him, we can’t enjoy intimacy. He is supremely Lord or the relationship is suspended until I come into unity with Him. He reminds me that He wants a Bride that is without spot or wrinkle. That is not negotiable. He will not be unequally yoked with His Bride.

Today when He came to me, I was wordless, overcome with His majesty, gentleness and self-restraint. I was reduced to weeping and trembling in His loving presence. At last, unable to resist His fervor, I slipped into a peaceful sleep for a couple of hours although it was still morning.

Fully His Bride

As I allow Jesus to help me surrender my earthly identity, the Holy Spirit opens  my eyes to what God sees me as. In a vision I saw myself as His Bride. I was small and no light came from within me. But as Jesus prayed for me and loved me  passionately but oh, so gently, I began to grow. I gained trust in Him as He poured Himself into me day after day so patiently and respectfully. He treasures me! Our relationship was sacred to me as I honored Him as Lord of lords.   At last I  stood fully His height and a blue light shone out from within my breast, purely and spotlessly His equal. My body was transparent, glowing in glory, beauty and dignity.

The scene shifted. What an incredible sight as I gazed at her, His Bride, as described in His Word (Rev. 19:8). The Bride’s gown appeared to be pale blue linen which billowed gracefully as she moved to greet her Beloved.

Jesus will never be unequally yoked. But as we obey Him, He will continue His  miraculous creativity in bringing us to Himself in holiness and the most  thorough purity.

He Who began a good work in you will continue developing that good work and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. Phil. 1:6

See Transparency of the Bride October 29, 2017

 

Yearning II

Codependency is definitely not a life-time weakness as you may think. As I’ve pointed out in Yearning I, co-dependency exists because the deepest need within is not being met. Every human is created with a need for Love that only the Source of LOVE can fill. I have given various post references of bloggers and web site links of ministries to victims of SRA (satanic ritual abuse) and DID (multiple personalities) that I’ve learned to trust as teachers. Go back and write them down or bookmark them. Some sites urge that another person needs to be present when you read through the renunciations aloud, but I have no one to help me, so I read out loud to myself, and the precious, sweet Holy Spirit witnesses my earnest statements. By all means, do work at your deliverance and growth alone if there is nobody to help you.

Recently I took a week to travel and when I came home I felt so depleted. Before the journey I had luxuriated in Abba’s glorious Presence and felt the need to test my progress, so I asked Him for a test. When I told a friend, she was startled. Weren’t you afraid to do that? No, I trust Him to not hurt me; He loves me, was my response.

While traveling I was keenly aware of the Holy Spirit surrounding me with Himself, protecting me as travel turned stressful. He is so humble and gentle, yet absolutely stunning in His power and majesty. Now at home, sitting in His pure and holy Presence, I can only weep in brokenness and hunger and awe – all at the same time. He is overwhelming but I refuse to ask Him to back off even a little. Instead, I ask that my vessel be expanded to hold more and more and more of Him. His realm is so vast, I have no fear that His resources will be depleted. Everything He is and everything He has is available to me, so I refuse to be distracted from His beauty, His ravishing beauty.