Intimacy means to be known by someone. They know your strengths and weaknesses, your hopes and dreams, your fears. God created the need and desire for intimacy within human hearts. Not only in marriage but in friendships. Relationships are the very essence of who we are as believers. Godly relationships provide stability and a sense of value and belonging. On the other hand, intimacy gone wrong can cause disappointment and intense pain when someone betrays us. Rejection and abandonment are traumas that children experience early in life and may withdraw from any offer of love from that point onward.
Intimacy reveals our weaknesses and neediness and we don’t like others to see that part of us. There is also the unspoken belief that we don’t deserve the love others extend to us. When we take the risk of exposing ourselves, we can end up tattered by deep wounding and rejection. Yet, we desire, we yearn for the closeness of love and acceptance.
People who avoid intimacy fear being controlled and manipulated if they share themselves. So they attempt to stay in control of their relationships. They enjoy rescuing and being looked up to by the needy and helpless. Those who have been abused as infants and young children identify “love” with the abuse they’ve suffered and they want no part of it as an adult.
When I first started fellowshipping with charismatics the men stood outside the place of worship to greet me with a hug. I guess they thought if they hugged me enough I would learn to like it. I did not. Distrust was a thread that ran through my being and I finally drifted away. I had walls instead of healthy boundaries. Even shaking hands a little too long was disturbing to me.
Being a Christian did not change this behavior but it did increase my longing for even one trustworthy friend who could celebrate my small joys and commiserate my griefs with me. When I started on the journey to emotional healing of Dissociative identity disorder (DID) I discovered that Jesus was that trustworthy friend I could pour out my heart to. He listened with such love as I could never have imagined. Slowly, as I felt secure in His compassion and mercy, I began to feel more willing to risk sharing myself with others. Resisting the urge to run from their love was a challenge but the deeper I went into Jesus (allowing Him to go deeper into me) the more stable I was.
I was elated to discover that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never changes. I asked Him if I could come to Him often for a hug, a kiss, or a lingering conversation and He reminded me of Hebrews 4:16 (NIV)
Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Since that time I have come to His throne often, sometimes several times a day just to worship Him and to be loved by Him, my Beloved. There are still times that I feel so undeserving, but if I step back from Him I immediately feel the cool breeze of distance and seek reconciliation.
Psalm 27:13 TMBA I would have fainted unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Even here and now in my 79th year I have been granted the privilege of not only seeing the Lord’s goodness but reveling in it. He is good beyond measure. He is amazing and beautiful, and fragrant. He has carried all my sins and griefs and sorrows. He has healed me of immune problems, broken generational curses and given me a healthy body with a lively step. He is worthy of all my love and trust.